Posts Tagged ‘tim howard’

The USA will get its first taste of an away atmosphere for 2014 World Cup qualifying when they travel to Guatemala City on June 12.  Think you might have what it takes to play an away game in Central America?  This US Soccer video says otherwise.  Watch it, and if you tell me you didn’t pee yourself by the end, you’re either lying, or have better bladder control than me.

But never fear, USA fans.  What Guatemala provides in terms of intimidating stadiums is severely undermined by the fact that they’re actually pretty bad at soccer.  So bad that they’ve never qualified for the World Cup.  Fun fact: remember back in 2006, when Trinidad and Tobago became the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup?  Guatemala was the CONCACAF runner-up that year.  That’s right – Guatemala is worse than the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup.

Even more telling is the nickname of Guatemala’s most famous soccer player, Carlos Ruiz.  As a youngster, Ruiz earned the nickname “El Pescadito”, or “The Little Fish”.  That nickname is a fantastic metaphor for the country he represents in international competition: Guatemala, a true minnow.  Add in the fact that Carlos Ruiz is actually the starting catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, and I’m starting to think the USA should be able to easily handle La Furia Azul.

Carlos Ruiz

Guatemala is so bad at soccer that their most famous soccer player, Carlos Ruiz, actually plays baseball!

Here’s the breakdown:

Statistics sez: A FIFA head-to-head search shows that the USA holds a 12-5-4 record against Guatemala.  In the ten times the sides have met in World Cup qualifying, the USA has never lost, winning 6 and drawing 4.  Guatemala has failed to score against the USA in its last 5 qualifying matches, and I’m pretty sure Tim Howard won’t be looking to let that streak get broken.

Tim Howard laughing

The very thought of Guatemala scoring on the USA makes Tim Howard laugh. That’s right, this is what Timmy looks like while he’s laughing. “SCORE ON ME? YOU’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS, GUATEMALA!!!!”

What I’m eating: Guatemala’s most well-known food is fiambre, a smorgusburg salad of meats, cheeses, and vegetables, containing as many as 50 ingredients.  The dish is usually prepared on November 1, as a part of the celebrations of Day of the Dead.  I figure the most insulting American version of fiambre is a Fiesta Taco Salad from Taco Bell – also a smorgusburg salad, likely containing 50 chemical additives and ingredients.  But isn’t Taco Bell derived from Mexican, and not Guatemalan, food?  Even better.  Chowing down on fake Mexican food can serve as a not-so-subtle reminder to Guatemala that they’re pretty much Mexico Jr – Mexico’s Canada, if you will.

What I’m drinking: Guatemala’s most well-known local beer is Gallo, a lager which has been produced in the country since 1896.  That’s a pretty long time.  However, the great American lager, Budweiser, has been produced in the US of A for a full 20 years longer than that.  Look for me to be downing Buds while watching the USA score one goal for each year that Budweiser was making beer while Gallo wasn’t even a sparkle in Guatemala’s eye.

What I’m singing: “Yoni Flores”, sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle”.

A little background is in order here.  Here’s what you need to know: FIFA recently began investigating a Guatemalan match-fixing scandal.  Three players were implicated and suspended from the Guatemalan national team, including a player named Yoni Flores.  Finally, the word “yoni” is Sanskrit for “vagina”.

With that context, here’s the song I was inspired to write for Tuesday’s match:

Guatemala did their best Italian impression
Fixed some games, FIFA found out and handed out suspensions
Now Yoni Flores can’t play, he’s sad, and starts to cry
I’m just laughing at his name, cause “Yoni” means vagina!


What to say to the Guatemalan fan next to you if, God forbid, they score: “Did Vagina score that one?  Oh wait, he’s suspended.  Never mind.”

Until next time…go USA!


KnowThyEnemies’ MANIFESTO!

Posted: February 17, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Welcome to KnowThyEnemies!

Somewhere around 500 B.C., a Chinese general named Sun Tzu wrote what would become one of the most famous books on military strategy ever written.  That book was called, “The Art of War”.  Sun Tzu must have been able to see the future, because he stole the title of one of my favorite Rage Against the Machine songs, replaced “Your” with “Thy” to make it seem like he didn’t steal it, and then made it the catch-phrase of his book.  The catch-phrase is, “Know Thy Enemy”.

America, my friends, is at war.  That war is being waged at home, and abroad.  That war sees the very best Americans throw themselves into battle in hostile conditions.  And to win this war, we must be informed.  We must follow the wise words of Rage Against the Machine, that Sun Tzu stole, and know our enemies.  That is the purpose of this blog.  That is why I am here.

Yes, my friends, American soccer is at war with the world!  For too long we’ve been ridiculed!  For too long we’ve been…wait, what do you mean there’s a real war?  Right now?  That America’s fighting?  Like, not a soccer war?  Man, that’s awful.  People die in real wars.

So the metaphor backfired.  But you get my point.  It is time for American soccer fans to take the next step!  To become more informed!  No longer will we watch the US go up against countries whose names we don’t recognize – names like “Kyrgyzstan”, “Lichtenstein”,  and “Canada” – with no idea what continent those countries are on!  No, my friends!  American fans will be better than that!  They will rise up!  They will work as one!  They will KNOW THY ENEMIES!

How will they do that, you ask?  With a little help from your friends here at KnowThyEnemies!  Check back here approximately one week before each US Men’s National Team match for a full report on the upcoming opponent.  By “full report”, I of course mean information I found on Wikipedia, along with heavy doses of my own completely biased, fully un-informed opinion.  And possibly a lot of stuff I just made up, too.

I’ll put up a post soon outlining the basic sections each future post will have.  In the meantime, fight the good fight, check out the plethora of excellent American soccer websites I’ll soon put up links to, and GO USA!