The USA will get its first taste of an away atmosphere for 2014 World Cup qualifying when they travel to Guatemala City on June 12. Think you might have what it takes to play an away game in Central America? This US Soccer video says otherwise. Watch it, and if you tell me you didn’t pee yourself by the end, you’re either lying, or have better bladder control than me.
But never fear, USA fans. What Guatemala provides in terms of intimidating stadiums is severely undermined by the fact that they’re actually pretty bad at soccer. So bad that they’ve never qualified for the World Cup. Fun fact: remember back in 2006, when Trinidad and Tobago became the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup? Guatemala was the CONCACAF runner-up that year. That’s right – Guatemala is worse than the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup.
Even more telling is the nickname of Guatemala’s most famous soccer player, Carlos Ruiz. As a youngster, Ruiz earned the nickname “El Pescadito”, or “The Little Fish”. That nickname is a fantastic metaphor for the country he represents in international competition: Guatemala, a true minnow. Add in the fact that Carlos Ruiz is actually the starting catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, and I’m starting to think the USA should be able to easily handle La Furia Azul.
Guatemala is so bad at soccer that their most famous soccer player, Carlos Ruiz, actually plays baseball!
Here’s the breakdown:
Statistics sez: A FIFA head-to-head search shows that the USA holds a 12-5-4 record against Guatemala. In the ten times the sides have met in World Cup qualifying, the USA has never lost, winning 6 and drawing 4. Guatemala has failed to score against the USA in its last 5 qualifying matches, and I’m pretty sure Tim Howard won’t be looking to let that streak get broken.
The very thought of Guatemala scoring on the USA makes Tim Howard laugh. That’s right, this is what Timmy looks like while he’s laughing. “SCORE ON ME? YOU’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS, GUATEMALA!!!!”
What I’m eating: Guatemala’s most well-known food is fiambre, a smorgusburg salad of meats, cheeses, and vegetables, containing as many as 50 ingredients. The dish is usually prepared on November 1, as a part of the celebrations of Day of the Dead. I figure the most insulting American version of fiambre is a Fiesta Taco Salad from Taco Bell – also a smorgusburg salad, likely containing 50 chemical additives and ingredients. But isn’t Taco Bell derived from Mexican, and not Guatemalan, food? Even better. Chowing down on fake Mexican food can serve as a not-so-subtle reminder to Guatemala that they’re pretty much Mexico Jr – Mexico’s Canada, if you will.
What I’m drinking: Guatemala’s most well-known local beer is Gallo, a lager which has been produced in the country since 1896. That’s a pretty long time. However, the great American lager, Budweiser, has been produced in the US of A for a full 20 years longer than that. Look for me to be downing Buds while watching the USA score one goal for each year that Budweiser was making beer while Gallo wasn’t even a sparkle in Guatemala’s eye.
What I’m singing: “Yoni Flores”, sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle”.
A little background is in order here. Here’s what you need to know: FIFA recently began investigating a Guatemalan match-fixing scandal. Three players were implicated and suspended from the Guatemalan national team, including a player named Yoni Flores. Finally, the word “yoni” is Sanskrit for “vagina”.
With that context, here’s the song I was inspired to write for Tuesday’s match:
Guatemala did their best Italian impression
Fixed some games, FIFA found out and handed out suspensions
Now Yoni Flores can’t play, he’s sad, and starts to cry
I’m just laughing at his name, cause “Yoni” means vagina!
What to say to the Guatemalan fan next to you if, God forbid, they score: “Did Vagina score that one? Oh wait, he’s suspended. Never mind.”
Until next time…go USA!
Know Thy Enemies 