Know Thy Enemy: Lil’ Baby Mexico (U-23’s)

KNOW THY ENEMY: LIL’ BABY MEXICO (U-23’s)

Ooo, how cute!  Lil’ Baby Mexico wants to play!  Uh-oh, nobody told them about the USA’s U-23 team.  Brek Shea, Bill Hamid, Teal Bunbury and the rest of the squad are grown-ass men.  Freddy Adu was doing Sierra Mist commercials with Pele when Mexico’s Miguel Angel Ponce was still in diapers (and still an American)  for Christ’s sake.  Taking candy from a baby is too easy.  This will be like, like…well, whatever is easier than doing that.

Lil' Baby Mexico's adorable lil' away jerseys. In addition to wicking away perspiration, they'll soak up the inevitable tears and spit-up that will come as a result of being crushed by the USA U-23's.

Statistics sez: By my count, the USA is undefeated against the perpetually weaker Mexican national team.  We’ve crushed them by at least 6 goals in every single game, and hold an amazing 343-0-0 record over our inferior regional rivals.  The last time our U-23 team agreed to “play nice” with Lil’ Baby Mexico, we went up 17-0 at the half, let them score 1 goal after the break, then ended 15 minutes early because their players were just doing handstands and picking dandelions on the field anyways.  The USA U-23’s celebrated with scotch and cigars while Lil’ Baby Mexico enjoyed Gerber baby food and breast milk.  Anyone who disputes these statistics is lying.

What I’m eating: As much as I hate Mexico’s soccer teams, I cannot deny that their food is incredibly delicious and makes up a substantial portion of my weekly diet.  It pains me to do it, but I’ve resolved to fill my belly with Taco Bell every time the US plays Mexico, almost as if saying, “The US is so great we took your food and made it American – and now it’s better”.  Almost as if saying that, because actually saying that would be a lie.  Taco Bell is gross.  As far as this game goes, I won’t need a substantial meal, since I’ll be filling up on unlimited breadsticks at the Olive Garden earlier in the day, while watching the US senior team take on Italy.  So I’m going with a side of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes, because it will truly be a fiesta when our U23’s beat Mexico’s, and because it’s just the grossest looking thing I see on the Taco Bell menu.

What I’m drinking: If I were a Mexico fan, this match would be the perfect excuse to finally buy those little tiny Coronita bottles.  Watching the smaller version of Mexico’s national team would be perfectly complemented by drinking a smaller version of a Mexican beer!  But I’m a US fan, so that won’t work.  Much like the “what I’m eating” section, I like to drink whatever American rip-off of a country’s drink exists while watching the US play that country.  I’ll go with Chelada, that glorious mixture of Budweiser, tomato juice, and clam broth, to be consumed out of a sippy-cup in honor of our baby opposition.

What I’m singing: “Baby Mexico”, sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle”.

Lil’ Baby Mexico, came to play some soccer
Want to play pretend with us, they’re in for quite a shocker
Baby Mexico you’ll cry
When you get your lickin’
Should have traded in your baby food for tainted chicken

What to say to the Lil’ Baby Mexico fan next to you if, God forbid, they score: “Cute goal.  Bill Hamid just let that one go in to make [insert scorer’s name] feel better about peeing the hotel bed last night, though.”