Know Thy Enemy: Canada

Posted: May 31, 2012 in KTE Report
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On June 3, the USMNT will face Canada in Toronto in its final pre World Cup qualifying friendly.  5 days later, shit gets real against Antigua and Barbuda.  It’s go time, USA!

American-Canadian soccer relations have been complex, to say the least, over the past 6 months.  Say what you will about Caleb Porter, Sean Johnson, or El Salvador, but I still blame Baby Canada for the USA’s U23 Olympic qualifying debacle.  Shortly after that disaster, I found myself pulling for our northern neighbors in the CONCACAF Champions League.  Toronto FC seemed poised to pull off a massive upset against Mexican goalkeeper Oswaldo “Dirty” Sanchez and Santos Laguna after getting a 1-1 result in the first leg.  In typical Canadian fashion, however, Toronto FC disappointed me, getting thrashed 6-2 in the return leg.  At the same time, Canada’s loss here was ultimately America’s gain, as stud striker/double agent Herc Gomez (little known fact: he plays in Mexico as a part of the USMNT’s secret surveillance operations) notched two goals against Toronto, contributing to his (finally!) being recalled into the USMNT (and scoring the USA’s lone goal against Brazil on May 30).

Phew.  Keeping track of whether I hate or love Canada has been exhausting.  But no more – it’s back to pure hatred!

Blame Canada

While I’ve wavered in my hatred for Canada, South Park never has. Their steadfast dislike for our northern neighbors is inspiring, to say the least.

Here’s the breakdown:

Statistics sez: FIFA’s head-to-head search reveals that the USA holds a 13-9-8 record against Canada.  Not a bad statistic to have on our side.  Even better is the fact that out of 13 friendlies against Canada, the USA is undefeated in all but 2 (the last time Canada beat us in a friendly was in 1985).  In short, we dominate Canada in soccer friendlies like we dominate them in pretty much every other category, like “being a real country” and “not having our police wear funny outfits”.

Canadian Mounties

Canada’s national police force, the Mounties, wear silly hats. And sometimes have awesome moustaches.

[Note: Canadian cuisine has evolved very little since I wrote Know Thy Enemy: Baby Canada during U23 Olypmic qualifying earlier this year.  As such, I’ve “borrowed” most of the following two sections from that earlier piece.]

What I’m eating: The national dish of Canada is definitely fresh-clubbed baby seal.  But the sneaky Canadians would never admit that.  Instead, a survey of Canadians shows that, if they had to choose a national food BESIDES maple syrup (seriously, I didn’t make that part up), it would be “Poutine” – french fries and cheese curds covered in brown gravy.  Lucky for me, one of America’s finest eating establishments, In’N’Out Burger, makes a superior American version of poutine: animal-style fries.  That’s what I’ll be grubbing on while watching the USA run circles around the Canucks.


Leave it to the Canadians – nay, the FRENCH Canadians – to make a combination of french fries, cheese, and gravy look gross. Shame on you, Canada.

What I’m drinking: Once again, Wikipedia to the rescue.  Looks like Canada is famous for two mixed drinks: Sortilege, a combination of Canadian whiskey and maple syrup, and Caribou, a mixture of red wine, Canadian whiskey, and – wait for it – maple syrup.  America can do one better – I’ll be taking shots of Log Cabin maple-flavored syrup (made in Vermont), chased with shots of America’s finest whiskey, Jack Daniels.  One shot of each for every goal the USA scores on Canada.  I think it’s going to be a long and uncomfortable night.

What I’m singing: “Canada’s Our Suburb”, sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle”.

Canada, don’t feel too bad, you’re third best on the continent
Third of three, so actually it’s not a real accomplishment
Canada, you’ll always be America’s kid brother
We’re the best place in the world, you’re just our shitty suburb

What to say to the Canadian fan next to you if, God forbid, they score: “Is it still 1980 in Canada, or do Canadians actually still think turtlenecks are fashionable?”

Until next time…go USA!


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