Know Thy Enemy: El Salvador U23’s

Posted: March 26, 2012 in KTE Report
Tags: , , ,

Well, the USA U23’s have opted to make fans’ lives a little more exciting tonight, when they take on El Salvador.  The implications of the match are clear: if the USA wins, they move on to the semi-final round; anything less than that and they don’t, barring a miracle win from Cuba over Canada.  Not exactly the situation the Baby Yanks were hoping to be in at this point, but such is life.  Onto our opponent…

El Salvador

El Salvador's national team features players sure to be recognized and feared by...nobody.

El Salvador, like the USA’s first opponent in Olympic Qualifying play this year, Cuba, has a long and storied history of being really bad at soccer.  They’ve qualified for the World Cup twice – in 1970 and 1982 – notching a dismal 0-0-6 record, finding themselves eliminated in the group stage each time.  To El Salvador’s credit, their team may be terrible, but you can’t fault fan support – in 1969, the four-day “Football War” between El Salvador and Honduras was sparked by violence between fans in World Cup Qualification play.  Now THAT’S dedication.

Here’s the breakdown:

Statistics sez: According to FIFA, the USA holds a 14-5-1 record against El Salvador, with the most recent result a 2-1 win for the good guys back in 2010.  The man sitting across from me on the train where I’m writing this just laughed out loud as I typed that.  Either he’s crazy, or he’s as happy with that statistic as I am .  I’m going with the latter.

What I’m eating: Wikipedia to the rescue again.  El Salvador is most famous for its pupusas, hand-made tortillas stuffed with cheese, pork, and beans.  While that sounds delicious, I’ll be eating the superior American version of a pupusa – a Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell.  This should be doubly insulting to Salvadoran fans, since Taco Bell is actually a rip-off of Mexican, not Salvadoran, cuisine.  Perfect!

Crunchwrap Supreme

The Americanized version of El Salvador's pupusa, Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supreme. El Salvador is in Mexico, right?

What I’m drinking: El Salvador’s two most famous cerevezas are “Pilsener” and “Suprema”.  I remember when Miller Lite’s ad campaign claimed that their beer had “Great Pilsner Taste”.  It didn’t, and Miller Lite is no pilsner, but that will be an adequate Americanized version of Salvadoran beer.  My backup will be Trader Jose’s Premium Lager, a Corona knockoff, in keeping with the “insult El Slavador by mixing them up with Mexico” theme.

What do say to the El Salvador fan sitting next to you if, God forbid, they score: “Wow.  That kid’s going to be the most famous Salvadoran since, uh… [stare off into space blankly]”

Until next time, GO USA!

  1. Edwin says:

    While i do the love popusas with their melted cheese and greasy pork I second the the equally awful crunch wrap supreme is a perfect substitute. If i may though, I would also suggest the Mexican pizza to really confuse El Salvador is it mexican is it american or is it italian either what it is not is El Salvadorian. Cheers

    • Edwin, you are a true scholar. Mexican pizza will need to make a future appearance here. Though apparently my making fun of pupusas really backfired on me. DAMN YOU EL SALVADOR!

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