Know Thy Enemy: Baby Canada

Posted: March 24, 2012 in KTE Report
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Everyone’s talking about illegal immigration these days. The most intelligent, reasonable, and well-thought-out solution I’ve heard suggested to address this complex socio-economic issue is definitely, “build a fence”. I 100% agree with this idea. It’s time to keep those damn Canadians out!

Every day, thousands of Canadians cross our northern border illegally. They waltz in here on their ice skates, wearing turtlenecks and speaking French. They take all our jobs at the maple syrup factories. And to add insult to injury, Canadians have the nerve to pretend like they can actually play soccer.

Turtleneck Man!

This Canadian was too scrawny to play hockey. So now he splits his time between pretending to play soccer, and stealing American jobs in the maple syrup industry.

After demolishing Baby Cuba 6-0 to kick off their 2012 Olympic Qualifying campaign, the mighty USA U23’s have Baby Canada next on their hit list. Canada opened up their OQ campaign in typical Canadian style, by not scoring any goals, drawing 0-0 with future USA victims El Salvador.  Expect “The Miracle on Ice” part deux on Saturday – but with no ice, and no miracle, since the USA is heavily favored to begin with.  So actually, expect it to be nothing like “The Miracle on Ice”, except for the part where America wins.

Here’s the breakdown:

Statistics sez: A FIFA head-to-head search shows the USA has a ridiculous 41-4-3 record over our northern neighbors.  Sure, that’s the women’s team record.  But it still shows that Canada sucks.  As for the men’s team, the USA holds a more modest 13-9-8 record against America Jr., with the draws and losses voluntary concessions to assuage fears of Americanization.

What I’m eating: I always thought that the Canadian national dish was fresh-clubbed baby seal.  But a Wikipedia search showed me that I was wrong.  Apparently a survey of Canadians showed that, if they had to choose a national food BESIDES maple syrup, it would be “Poutine” – french fries and cheese curds covered in brown gravy.  Sounds like an inferior version of one of America’s greatest inventions: animal-style fries from In’N’Out.  So that’s what I’ll be chowing down on while watching Baby Canada embarrass themselves.


Leave it to Canada - nay, the FRENCH Canadians - to make smothering french fries with cheese and gravy sound gross.

What I’m drinking: Once again, Wikipedia to the rescue.  Looks like Canada is famous for two mixed drinks: Sortilege, a combination of Canadian whiskey and maple syrup, and Caribou, a mixture of red wine, Canadian whiskey, and – wait for it – maple syrup.  I’ll go with my own American version of Sortilege to wash down my animal-style fries, and combine a shot of Log Cabin syrup with a slug of Jack Daniels.  Yum.  And then maybe a Super Troopers chug for good measure.

What I’m singing: With the quick turnaround between games here, I’m having trouble coming up with a good song to make fun of Canada on the spot.  Good thing South Park already did it for me!

What to say to the Canadian fan next to you when, God forbid, they score: “Wow.  That’s the first goal I’ve ever seen a Canadian score without skates on, eh?”

  1. […] 6 months.  Say what you will about Caleb Porter, Sean Johnson, or El Salvador, but I still blame Baby Canada for the USA’s U23 Olympic qualifying debacle.  Shortly after that disaster, I found myself […]

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