Ah, Mexico. My favorite team in CONCACAF – nay, the world! There are about a million awesome things about Mexico. Mexico never cheats. Their goalkeepers never try to take out the USA’s strikers after being scored on. Their defenders never headbutt our players. And their fans are the classiest in the world, never resorting to tasteless chants or throwing objects and bodily fluids at USA players on the field.
And guess what else – it’s opposite day!
OK, opposite day is over. Anyone who knows American soccer knows that Mexico is American soccer’s public enemy number one. The history of the rivalry between the two teams is lengthy and complex. But a few metaphors can help clear things up. For example, if the USMNT was Rocky Balboa, Mexico would be the lovechild of Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago. If the USMNT was Simba, Mexico would be Scar, except not America’s uncle. You get the idea. The USMNT is chaste, pure, and righteous. The Mexican national team is vile, evil, and despicable. It’s a simple, undeniable fact of life, yet somehow a difficult one for Mexican fans to comprehend.
On August 15, the USMNT marches into Mexico for what is mistakenly labeled by USA-Mexico newcomers as a “friendly”. No game against Mexico is “friendly”. Especially a game in the Estadio Azteca, Mexico City’s iron fortress where the only thing thinner than the air (the stadium sits at an elevation of 7200 feet) is the USA’s win record (0 wins at the Azteca). As is customary, I’m doing my part to disparage our opponent through this blog.
Here’s the breakdown:
Statistics Sez: According to FIFA, the USA holds a 15-12-32 record all-time against our southern neighbors. Not too encouraging, admittedly. But let’s dig a little deeper. Can we really trust FIFA to be compiling accurate statistics? The same organization that knew its senior officials were accepting bribes, but did nothing? Of course not. Luckily for USA fans, I’ve been doing some statistical research of my own. And according to my count, the USA’s record against Mexico currently stands at 1 billion wins, 0 losses, and 0 draws. Numbers don’t lie, folks. Mexico is toast.
What I’m eating: My usual strategy on USA-Mexico gameday is to eat Americanized Mexican food (Taco Bell, Green Burrito, Chipotle, etc). But I don’t really feel like eating pre-prepared food next Wednesday. Eating fresh is all the rage these days, you know. Since I’m feeling creative, I’ve whipped up a little recipe for next Wednesday’s match. I call it “Pollo Contaminado“, and here’s how you make it:
- 1 chicken breast
- 1 dose of performance-enhancing drug
- Salt and pepper to taste
- Ingest the dose of performance-enhancing drug.
- Saute, grill, bake, broil, or steam the chicken breast. Season with salt and pepper. Eat the chicken.
- Go to a doctor to get a drug test. Fail the drug test. Blame the chicken.
What I’m drinking: A fresh-cooked batch of Pollo Contaminado deserves a delicious beverage to accompany it. I call this recipe “the Azteca Assault”, and it’s the best way to capture the experience of taking in a USA-Mexico match in Mexico City without leaving the comfort of your home. It’s part cocktail, part drinking game, and 100% guaranteed to leave you soaking wet and bruised!
- 2 cans of beer
- 1 sleeve of red plastic cups
- Jumbo pack of AA batteries
- 1 friend
- Hand one can of beer, the plastic cups, and the batteries to your friend.
- Ask your friend to stand several feet behind you.
- Open your beer and start watching the USA-Mexico game.
- At random intervals, have your friend fill a cup with either beer or their own urine and throw it at you. Try to guess which one was in the cup by using your sense of smell. No cheating and looking behind you!
- If you incorrectly guess the liquid you’ve just been doused in, have your friend throw batteries at you. If you guess correctly, take a sip of your beer, and have your friend throw batteries at you anyways.
What I’m singing: “Stay Classy, Mexico”, sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle”
Mexico, you’ll scream “puto”, and shower us in beer-a
But you’ll never wipe away what happened in Korea
Met in the Round of 16
We beat you dos a cero
Shocked the world and sent you home, now who here’s the culero?
What to say to the Mexican fan next to you if, God forbid, they score: “Only fair to let you score one. After all, we did take California, New Mexico AND Texas from you during the Mexican-American war!”
Until next time – boo Mexico, and GO USA!